“Now I become myself. Do not deprive me of my age. I have earned it.” May Sarton
Recently, I moved into a wonderful historic building which has been converted into affordable apartments for older people. It has been a pleasure meeting other residents – our ages spanning five decades.One day I shared the elevator with a petite octogenarian who was holding onto a walker and sporting wispy purple hair, her piercing blue eyes looking back at me. She introduced herself as Grace, but added she wasn’t always called by that name. For most of her life she preferred her middle name because, she explained, her given name felt like a rebuke of how awkward, inadequate and ungraceful she had always felt herself to be. “But since I’ve gotten old, I took the name again”, she continued. “When I look back, I wasn’t all those things I thought I was, just insecure and young.”
The profound authenticity of that encounter with Grace touched me. It led me to reflect on the ways aging can let us see ourselves from a different perspective, with the eyes of compassion.
The conventional attitude towards aging is to compare our older selves to our younger selves unfavorably. The message that ‘young is always better’ is reinforced in myriad ways. Seeing older people as other than ourselves is a hallmark of ageism. Is it any wonder that many of us fear and deny our own aging? How often do we hear someone say (or perhaps we’ve said something similar ourselves) “I’m not old, I still feel 25 inside”? Yet do we really wish to stay frozen in time at an age when we are still in the process of becoming?
Certainly we have many fond and meaningful memories of earlier times in life, but there were also doubts, insecurities, necessary life lessons. Our memories are selective, and confirmed by the story we have told ourselves repeatedly about our lives. With awareness, we can expand to include a bigger story, and from that place self compassion grows. If we carry within us all the ages we have ever been, if we are a continuing evolving self, what a rich well we have available to us at this life stage.
In conversations with my neighbors and friends, we often say this is the best time of our lives. Despite, or perhaps because of, the changes we inevitably experience, we feel more true to ourselves. Younger is not more and older is not less – life simply is. And in that realization, as my new friend so beautifully reminded me, lies the grace.
by Evalina Everidge, IONS Certified Conscious Aging Facilitator
(previously published on IONS Noetic Blog)
Photo Credit: Ashram Flower Bowl by Evalina Everidge
Conscious aging is an ongoing process of determining what really matters and supporting that through our choices, thoughts and actions. While this may seem obvious, in actuality the unconscious influences we have internalized over a lifespan often keep us operating in a default mode; reacting to life, rather than responding with intention. What do we believe about age? How does that impact how we feel about ourselves and others?
Aging is not the terrain only of older people. As poet laureate and bard Bob Dylan observed, “He not busy being born is busy dying.” Yet we reserve the term ‘aging’ for people in the last third of life. This sets up a dualistic concept of young versus old, to the detriment of both. Woven into the fabric of our daily existence is the worldview that ‘old’ is undesirable, that diminishment and irrelevance are inevitable. This in turn fosters the belief that the only means to “successful aging” is to act, think, feel and identify as youthful. But by disallowing the reality of our years, we deny their intrinsic value and do ourselves a great disservice.
We all have been imprinted by what was modeled to us; children learn societal norms, including attitudes towards age, gender and ethnicity, in the first seven years of life. According to cell biologist Bruce Lipton, PhD, the activity of our conscious mind is associated with the prefrontal cortex, the seat of our personal identity and creativity. Astonishingly, the conscious mind attends to and manages the present moment on average only about 5% of the time. Lipton goes on to say that by default, the remaining 95% of our cognitive activity is controlled by previously acquired programs downloaded into the subconscious mind. Think about that…when we are not operating from our creative conscious mind, which is the majority of the time, we are operating out of habit, i.e. our acculturation. There is no doubt we feel the effects of institutionalized ageism, but rarely are we aware of the more subtle internalized ageism that molds our attitudes, beliefs, actions and choices.
Which brings us back to what it means to age consciously. With willingness, intention and curiosity, we can engage our creative mind in exploring what assumptions we hold. Noticing our internal dialogue and the things we habitually say can help reveal the ways we limit ourselves and perpetuate ageist stereotypes. Consciously paying attention to the language we use has a powerful ripple effect. Our words have power. How often, for example, do we say “I’m having a senior moment?” There are so many assumptions about age in that statement alone. I now choose to say “I’m having a human moment!” The process of challenging everything we have heard and been told about ‘old’ can lead to shifts in consciousness that open the door to a more expansive experience of aging.
I don’t want to oversimplify however. Awakening to our internalized ageism can sometimes be a sudden revelatory moment, but more often it is a gradual process, one layer at a time. Just as our habitual thinking was ingrained through repeated reinforcement, so too our conscious awareness continually evolves; requiring daily, even moment to moment, practice. Rudolph Tanzi, PhD, a recognized leader in the field of neuroplasticity, tells us that, when we change our habitual thoughts and behaviors, we actually rewire our neurocircuitry and may even alter our genes. Enabling our conscious awareness changes our brain and has a positive impact on our health and overall wellbeing.
Some practices available to assist us along the way are: kindness towards ourselves; forgiveness; reviewing our life journey to remember what has given us strength, purpose and meaning; honestly contemplating impermanence and death; identifying role models and reaching out to others. Never underestimate the power of humor as well! While there is much over which we have little or no control, we do have the opportunity for greater authenticity, connection and drawing from the deeper well of inner knowing. As the poet Walt Whitman noted in his work Leaves of Grass, “I am large, I contain multitudes.”
Reframing aging is a radical act towards interconnectedness and transforming the narrative of life, not just for ourselves, but for all. Life is messy, aging is messy…and precious. With the practice of awareness, acceptance, compassion and peace, we can find the answers to the questions posed by Linda Ronstadt: “What about life before death? How do we want to live?”
by Evalina Everidge, Certified IONS Conscious Aging Facilitator
(previously published on IONS Noetic Blog)
Photo Credit: Costa Rica Sunset by Evalina Everidge